Saying goodbye.

The memories. Resisting coming back.

Pretending it's ok.

Hoping for an excuse. Resisting.

The goodbye.

The decision. The circumstances that lead to it. Resisting making that decision.

The final, officially declared, goodbye.

Nope, none of these things hurt. Of course not.

Of course not.

Of, of course not.

Of course not.

The mantra that keeps me from jumping off.

- You fool no one, you know.

- Haha, no, I'm serious, none of those hurt.

- You have yet to take off your eyes of the horizon. Your body hasn't moved an inch in the last hour. The birds have come back to land, it's chilly outside here and this wind is but a sample of what's to come tonight. You can't say those don't hurt.

- o'fuckin'course not.

- Come, let's go cry at home.

The sky.

The ever changing curtain hiding the unknown infinity of energy and existence.

It's in front of her, at arm's lenght.

Unreachable.

Children.

She's supposed to bring at least one to this world, two or three being the most desirable, to help renew her generation. To raise and take care of them, provide them a healthy and useful education, prepare them to one day be able to look the world straight in its eyes and say "I'm here to survive you", firm steps as they go on with their lives and, they too, have their own offspring.

The dream of so many, the joy of so many.

She was supposed to be part of that cycle. Just like everyone. Only she was born dead; or died as she grew up, quite the same thing.

The weather.

The wind is howling, furiously running across the woods nearby, dodging the pine trunks but blowing hard on their upper boughs and twigs. South and North winds are fighting, there's another storm coming. Full moon's a week away.

I don't know what to do.

Wish I could leave 'her' behind to be what everyone would like me to be, to make everyone happy as they deserve and I know I want them to be.

Wish I could leave 'her' behind and melt away with the rain that's started to fall just now. And that everyone would be happy.

It's been raining in my head
For three days now.
Heavy rain falling, splashing against the void,
Its music fills my ears and lulls me to sleep.
Yet for three days now
I’ve been awake.
Witnessing the drizzling, the harsher showers,
The storm clear for my closed eyes.
My dry skin comfortable under each drop
Just like my hair soaking in this imaginary rain.
For three days now, like this,
I’ve been happy.
Unaware of the world occasionally teasing,
Trying to pry, find a crack in my shell.
If my senses acknowledge and fight it back
In their loyalty they won’t tell and disturb me.
So for three days now
I’ve been away.
Only her unknown voice, an ominous thunder,
Tearing my dreams apart,
Makes my heart halt and shy away.
“Silly”, a reverberating mockery as it fades and dies away.
“Silly”, the sad whisper of the rain mourning on my lips.
After three days, longing for love
I return home crying.
Home…
“Silly”, murmurs the amused cool wind,
Carrier of dark pregnant clouds and the promise of a story,
A reenacted play, real at the rate
Of two ongoing heartbeats.
“Silly”, I smile, as the rain makes love to and fully heals my naked skin.
Eyes still closed but no tears in my lashes,
Forgotten fears, mind games and dead-ends.
“Silly”, sings the cicada as the summer shower embraces me tightly
Those three days of heaven can now last forever.

To Alex.